Tardiness Excuses That Will Make You Smile

So your late for work and your boss hardly noticed because he came in later than you. You think you are off the hook. Well, not so fast. That is until you get that memo from HR (screw them!) saying you have to explain why the fuck you should not be punished for wasting sixteen minutes of what could have been valuable productive work hours. You list in your head all the possible reason there is. MRT malfunction. Headache. Emergency. The usual. It is just an excuse letter that you have to make, not a short story. But believe it or not, tardiness excuses have been some sort of entertainment for most HR personnel. Here are some of what they have gathered:

1. The biometrics is wrong.

Ay, oo kasi panginoon ka. Bakit hindi na lang relos mo ang sundin namin sa pag in?

 

 

2. Did not wake up

 

You mean “did not wake up early“, right? O Diyos ko, sana nga. Sana talaga!

3. Happy birthday

 

Thank you pero sa May 1 pa po birthday ko.

 

4. No hot water

 

Kawawa ka naman. Sana matapos na ang delubyo nang pagkawasak ng heater/dispenser niyo.

5. Hangover

 

Hmmmm hindi ka nagyayaya.

 

6. PBB audition

 

Malamang hindi mo naatim ang pangarap mong maging reality star dahil wala namang “Slater” sa masterlist.

 

7. Alarm clock lost battery

 

Okay, that was mine. But I really thought it was convincing until my boss told me I have already used it twice. Sorry!

 

8. Dysmenorr Dysmenorrhe Stomach ache

 

Oy si ate, ‘di nakahanap ng dictionary.

 

9. LVM (Loose Vowel Movement)

 

Okay na sana. Iisipin na sana ng nagbabasa na typographical error kaso may open-close parenthesis ka pang nalalaman!

 

10. Mind grain

 

Baka nga.

 

When you see that one person in the Human Resources Department smiling alone from her cubicle, please understand. And if you came in tardy for work, as if the hassle of almost dying from running late is not enough, know that it is your duty to come up with lame excuses. But when you do, please make it a good one. Who knows? That pretty, innocent HR girl whom you submitted your letter to could be writing a blog about it. And soon enough, she too will have a mind grain.

Restroom Reflections and Ramblings

I am currently writing this entry in my head as I encounter yet another awkward first day of work. By my fifth company shift, you would have probably guessed that social interactions, series of introductions, office tours and company orientations would be a piece of cake for me. But no, not me. That’s not going to happen to the queen of awkward right here.  Yes, fifth first day of work and I just turned twenty-three.  Trust me, I would not be able to get past this stage until a few couple of weeks from now, and my pitcher-load of coffee intake and anxiety-eating is not of helping either.

In the midst of mental writing, I am being interrupted by the instruction of my upcoming tasks for this company. No complaints. I am just taking it all in.  After all, that’s what life is all about.  A list of meaningful obligations, all vying for our attention.

I started this blog when I was looking for things to do in my spare time of employment.  In writing, I can deceive judgmental co-workers into thinking that I am actually working.  What started out as an afternoon hobby turned out to be my outlet of passion and recreation. I find happiness in knowing that my useless thoughts could actually reach people all over the world.  I find it very amusing that a person is willing to waste his precious few minutes for reading my crap, er, craft.  Feedbacks and stats reassure me that I have provided simple entertainment to a lot of people.  But above all, I realized it was me who got entertained the most.

I did a screenshot of my stats on its first month.  After that, I promised myself not to overly-obsess on figures.  Thank you, (imaginary) readers!

This morning, I contemplated on being on hiatus.  Unlike my previous job, what I do now requires actual work.  I feared I may not have a lot of time on my hand. I shrugged off the idea immediately thinking a passionless life isn’t such a bright idea. I have the strength to stand being a corporate slave for awhile just as long as I can set aside time doing what I love to do. And unlike actual work, this does not have monetary rewards, just pure happiness.

Happiness is also what I felt when I found a PWD Restroom this morning as I enter my new workplace. It was the same kind of restroom I used in my previous office, another outlet where I can “let it all out” when I am “disabled” to work.  In this moment of rambling and reflection, I also feel my stress-eating finally kicking in.

Now, excuse me while I wash myself off this restroom. I just had some weird lunch and…ugh forget it! I need to orient myself with this toilet.

Today My Life Begins

This is it! My obligatory last blog entry as an employee. Frankly, I was about to post an article with a tone of anger and resentment. But I figured complaints never did anyone favor. It never inspired anyone. Doing so would defeat the purpose of putting up this blog in the first place.

I originally allocated this space to say GOODBYE, IDIOT! Now, my awesome talent would never have to cover up for your glaring ineptitude. Nobody likes you and that’s good enough for me. But you will never understand that as much as how delegation of tasks works. You may now proceed with your big gooey ass of a “boss”. Stress on the quote-unquote marks, pun intended.

If there’s anything I would thank her for, it is for pushing me out the hell of mediocrity. She gave me a good story to tell just like how the tale of Little Mermaid would never be a cute story without the part where Ariel got to meet her prince on soil. And yes, she is freaking Ursula, except Ursula has better facial features. I hope you created an accurate mental picture of her with that description.

I could never be kinder in this post. I have so much in mind but I would rather keep it on my own. I pat myself on the back for holding it. (And also, the chance of getting my last paycheck pretty much crossed out the option of letting it all out.) Thank me, bitch.

Enough about the right-hand of Satan, let’s focus on ‘me’ for a second. You know, I could go on forever with my ranting OR I could go on with my dear life. The latter is less waste of a time so….

First Step:

Begin.

What you do in your life is your choice. What you do not do is also your choice. You have the power to do whatever you want in your life. It is your life and your life is short. How dare you not take charge of it. Be happy or find whatever it is that will make you happy. I do hope you find enough courage to believe in yourself and know that you have the capacity to be happy. Don’t pretend you’re okay. Never settle. Whatever justification you have for mediocrity is wrong. Your whole life awaits you. You just have to take that one step. One tiny little step.

“Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.”

— Rodan of Alexandria

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On a side note, I want to thank good God for giving me a chance to take step 1. I feel bad for everyone who wronged me. All of that led me to this. The way I look at it, I won.

Noted with Thanks

I am having a hard time trying to fathom how it exactly came to this. I cannot help but be excited while I am packing my things, closing this chapter of my life from what I called home for almost two years. I can still remember the same anxiety I felt as I entered the four walls of the office on that day of September 21, 2010.

I planned to be an employee to keep myself busy, to save myself from the emptiness of my house. When I landed a job, I found out that having a nine-to-five work is not too far away from being a bum. I watched myself getting acquainted with the subversive subculture of a big company. I was slowly permeating the norms as I reap the latest grapevine from my spacious cubicle. I was managing my finances from my own paycheck – if managing means fifty percent goes to food and the rest for gas. Suddenly, I was no longer a useless member of society. Little by little, I was hoarding clutters from my room onto my workspace while I sip a cup of coffee from what could have been the ultimate yuppie dream.

A few months later, I was transferred to another cubicle, which is just a few inches longer than my left arm. It is an epiphany of a cheap company, squeezing robots in their money-factory. I was drifting away from the realms of a good career. Crammed and sleepless, I could summarize my job description in random order: 1) read emails 2) face ungrateful employees 3) take orders and 4) pick up other people’s shit. Despite my personal office entertainment of creep-stalking the owner’s children, there were times when I wanted to kill myself just by walking in the building. Everything went from interestingly boring to downright boring.

Everytime I work, I come up with theories on why I am doing what I am doing. I could never understand how dreaming of becoming rich while working for the rich is an acceptable idea. Plans never work. Goals are a waste of time. If you do the same things everyday and expect something spectacular to happen, you are driving yourself crazy. The heck with organization, nobody should be comfortable with status and labels. Sure, you may love your job, but does your job ever love you back?

Struggling and drowning in a quicksand of questions is an affirmation that the next logical move is to take off my hideous uniform and start living the life I wanted. Though I am not exactly sure what that is, I would rather spend my next few weeks pondering what it may be than waste my time convincing myself that this is what I should be doing.

Even if I initially felt sorry for myself for how everything turned out, there is still one positive adjective that this whole experience made me. Grateful. And I want to take this space in expressing just that.

To my friends in my department, thank you for welcoming me into a niche I have sought comfort in. Thank you for accepting the weird little kid that I am. I am thankful for your company, for your friendship and for making me feel that I belong, a feeling I never thought could be possibly felt at that time. You will sincerely be missed.

I want to thank our department head for flocking us out of pretend-leaders who are eternally waiting for the green light to magically appear out of boxed procedures. You give everyone hope and that is very important. That, on top of your excellence and envision.

To all my friends in the company, thank you for making me feel at home, for making me feel that I matter, and for making me feel close to normal for once in my life. I will forever treasure the six hundred and nine days I have spent with you. That is six hundred and nine days that no one can ever take away from me (and yes, MS Excel helped me count that). I will look back on those days without a hint of regret but with a smile on my face.

I would be lying if I say I do not fear the consequences of my decision. But I find comfort in knowing that being scared means you are about to do something brave. In a few weeks time, I will be moving on. Everyone will. Everything will turn out for the better. It has to. One thing is for sure, I will be bringing with me the memories I gained in this experience. I truly wish everyone well.

Cheers to the six hundred and nine days! For the good times and the bad, for the lessons everyone has instilled in me…this is duly noted. Thank you.