Ang Sining ng Kalandian

Buti pa ang daga, marunong lumandi.

Buti pa ang daga, marunong lumandi.

I can’t flirt. I have been to 107 cities, read 204 books and passed 179 units in college. After 156 menstrual cycles, there is only one thing I’m sure of. I’m a terrible flirt. I guess I haven’t really come to terms with liking someone and forming close friendship with them, only to risk making things horrifically awkward by telling them you like them.

Easy for me to say when after all these years my idea of flirting basically sums up to: a) not looking like a dork b) not being seemingly eager c) not being weird and d) not being creepy in any sense. As you may see, if you use my flirting styles, you really don’t have to do much. But despite all efforts, I eventually failed in applying the flirting techniques that I myself made.

I cannot count how many times I have been romantically affiliated with anyone, not because they’re too many, but because it’s just plain embarrassing to recall. Infants have done better “beautiful eyes” than me. Well, at least I have memorized The Owl and the Pussy Cat when I was five. That was very impressive, I know. Too bad that doesn’t count as flirting.

Abnormal ba ako? Putang ina. Ang tanda ko na, bakit hindi pa rin ako marunong lumandi?

I’m usually a very witty person. Pero pag kaharap ko na yung crush ko, parang naka sleep mode yung utak ko. Kung anu-ano na nasasabi ko para may masabi lang. Word vomit. “Birthday mo pala. Ang galing ‘no?” Eh bakit ba hindi na lang ako nag happy birthday? Bakit ba walang cue cards ang mga wingmen ko? Walang silbi. Hindi ba kaya dapat nandiyan ang mga kaibigan mo para tulungan ka? Moral support my ass. Ang kailangan ko teleprompter. Palibhasa kung sila may Phd na sa kalandian, ako bonus round pa lang.

Perhaps I’m not doing it right. Maybe mind games aren’t for me after all. Eh weird talaga ako eh. What’s the use of the art of flirtation if you’re not being you? On the other hand, kung hindi ngayon, kailan pa? It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Seize the day. No guts, no glory. You only live once. If I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe. Whatevs. I think I’ll just stick to being myself and praying to God that everything will fall where it should be. And I know it will. For what I lack in the art if flirting, I make up for the science of attraction. ❤

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